i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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