12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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