I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
