I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
