Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
