You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
