Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
