I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
