Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
