gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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