I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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