fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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