She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
