I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Panties = found
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
