the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
