Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Shame - the story of my life.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
