My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
sex in a hospital.. check
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Randomize