Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
