Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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