It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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