Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
