I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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