Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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