I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
