i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
