i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
