How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
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