She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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