there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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