We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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