sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
