it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
