I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
