So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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