did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
