stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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