On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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