woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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