how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
