Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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