oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
