You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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