when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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