So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
