my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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