mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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