that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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