He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
