Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize