Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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