his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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