I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
