I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She's the barista slut.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Success! We fucked roommates!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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