I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
