Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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