I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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