my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
