can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
