when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
