96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
