I think I am morally bankrupt
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
