A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
