The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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