Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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